Some more thoughts...

So it looks lke... things will be more settled. But it seems even more unclear., but really its not the church's fault. Now I am technically a PTM..................... intern. What's that suppose to mean? i mean haen't I completed my degree? Now I am a PTM intern because the church does not know where to fit me....

I can't deny my frustration actually. My understanding of the church is far different... its a lot more fluid. Just because I can't place a pin-point answer as to where I should be.... So I should be placed in the middle. Why not just let me go? You really want me to say it out? Sure... it is to restore true worship back to the church! And that means in every aspect of the lives of the people in church. from the children, to the adults, to the so-called worship team. Yet.. the problem is that is still to subjective. So lets narrow it down a bit more.. It means... we stop playing church, we know what it means to be a Christian, to know what it means to love. I want to see that here!

Now that that is out.. what position is that? Is the position...... GOD? You see the problem, the church is not able to fulfil that. I must confess, I am only half satisfied with writing lessons, I am only half satisfied with doing missions. in fact maybe less than that. I mean.. I believe we should.. but all these things fall under worship. I believe in being concerned about lives and the people. Yet what sort of position is that? Maybe i shouldn't take up the post or sign up the contract... Maybe I should move on... of course by doing that.. the chances of being misunderstood is far greater... but whats the difference since I am already.

God, why did I have to go through this? All I wanted was to serve you... All I believed was to commit my life into your hands.... All I wanted was to see true worship being restored to the church! Yet I can't do that here because of the way things are at. In PNP, in small groups, in the youth, in missions, in the pastoring..... Where is the consistency in being a Christian?

Can I say these things out? Can I? Would anyone want to hear? Now..... once again the problem is that I am young... God can't you make it clear?

Perhaps.. another reason is.... the church has been creating posistions.. and the more posistions we have, the more we are able to play church... Now we have worship pastor, next WSCS pastor? all the different specialist departments? Thats not church... So thats why they need to find a new position for me....

thats why I want to go over to be a missionary... to get away from all of this, Thats why I am in children because they are easier to teach... But now what? ANSWERS... I need ANSWERS.... solid answers.... Shucks, by saying that I am making myself inconsistent.. because I still believe in trusting God inspite of circumstances...

A sick Birthday

hmmm.. I guess the day was bad with flu and cough but I'm just glad that I passed my IPPT so well cleared one hurdle.

Just want to keep this short and sweet. I think its been a marvellous ride, these 28 years of my life and last year was fun.. I know the year ahead will be different but hey I give thanks to God for all you guys out there. My family. my Siping, my friends...

A sense... of frustration.

Perhaps.. just perhaps.. I've been thinking too much... somethings just pricked me over the week.. and over the month.. The first is the Methodist news letter.. After the aldersgate convention..

It seems now that everyone is suddenly realising that worship.. is about service not just the music.. just because a certain Big guy said it.. So its become like a latest thing and everyone wants to do it. Sigh.. i've been saying that many many times... many many years back.. yet its been to no avail, having been slammed for even questioning what is worship. Why is there no consistency between what we practice and we are doing...

The second perhaps is the entire YMLC thing... suddenly, the whole focus has shifted from all that fire, slaying, slaining nonsense to suddenly a sombre disicpleship.. Gosh why now? is this a fad? I'm still so put off by Pastor Wendy's crap... Please stop this deliverance nonsense... How much cleaner do you want to be? I mean all this stuff mentioned in YMLC this year is something which I have firmly believed in since it started.. why only now do they believe in it? BEcause I have no TTC degree, because I am not a pastor, becuase I am too young to understand...

Well... that has been bogging me.. yet.. Why do I even care? I'm wondering why am I doing through this... SHouldn't I be so happy that things are changing, and that true worship is beginning, yet why am I skeptical...? Also shouldn't I be glad that the lord has shown all this to me before it began? Yet why am I sad... Maybe being misunderstood is a something i will have to live with... just like Jeremiah... Trust me....

The Past Weeked of the Second Week of July 2008 Part 1

Gosh.. I've been visiting the east and the air port so much over the past few days. Ever Since Sending Debbie off, I went to Pick up Bayaraa.. and of course took took the littel ones out ofr ice cream... This little boy was so.. cheeky but well..

Got to meet up with Cheryl after more than 6 months.. and haha had a good meal... Gosh.. wish we could talk more though but well.. its always interesting. The night didn't end that way though and I had to race to the airport to pick up a family... from China. husband is Chinese and wife is Korean.

Sitting and wondering

I'm now at office... its lunch.. but I can't seem to focus much on the stuff a hand.. sigh... Why the distraction? Why the brain deadness.. Is this work? Gosh.. I need a boost.. but how?

I've been given a brain... but well maybe I just can't seem to multi task..perhaps i should let everyone know whats on my mind.

1. The holy spirit series (How do I write, how do I link the lessons together)
2. The Small group retreat. How should I go about conducting it
3. The handphone
4. My job.. whats going on? what am I gonna do?
5. My IPPT...

Hmmmm, perhaps once again the future.. the house, the wedding date.... I don't know actually. Strangely, I can comment and decide on the whole series of the world, or local events and comment and critique yet, perhaps, the future is unknown to man...

Sigh... I don't want to treat this series badly, I want to focus and do a good Job because I see how important it is. But how does one teach this rightly? O Lord, Guide me.. lead me... and walk beside me..

Popeye's at midnight

Hmmm just got back from sending Debbie off at the airport.... Boy am I full. This weekend has been an eventful one. One which involved me meeting several people. Saturday was spent visiting Bettina at her Grandma's wake, it was good to catch up and see how much she's a foodie too. Feel encourged by her desire to serve and her garangness. The evening was spent at Dajie's mama's chalet/birthday party. Ooh the crabs were so good and the rest of the food too. So funny to watch her parents and Whelan play.

Sunday was spent in church but it was good to meet Allie for a short while over tea with my bro, having lunch and coffee with not so small. Although the curry was bad. But we had an interesting game/ activity over drinks. Then the evening was spent going to Uncle Siong's wake. Though I'd never knew him but really to see him live and leave a legacy was amazing.

I'm feeling tired but we'll see waht happens tomorrow then.. God Bless yer all.
Mel.

My second day at work

I've been thinking too much... well thats the result of having stuff around you all time... its like a new season.. and the reality of change is setting in... and its making me sick.

Yet with each season there are joys and there are much certainties. I'm glad to talk and catch up with my family.. yet my future is still uncertain..

Well i guess the only thing I can do now is to excercise a lot..
Yup.. IPPT is here