Some more thoughts...

So it looks lke... things will be more settled. But it seems even more unclear., but really its not the church's fault. Now I am technically a PTM..................... intern. What's that suppose to mean? i mean haen't I completed my degree? Now I am a PTM intern because the church does not know where to fit me....

I can't deny my frustration actually. My understanding of the church is far different... its a lot more fluid. Just because I can't place a pin-point answer as to where I should be.... So I should be placed in the middle. Why not just let me go? You really want me to say it out? Sure... it is to restore true worship back to the church! And that means in every aspect of the lives of the people in church. from the children, to the adults, to the so-called worship team. Yet.. the problem is that is still to subjective. So lets narrow it down a bit more.. It means... we stop playing church, we know what it means to be a Christian, to know what it means to love. I want to see that here!

Now that that is out.. what position is that? Is the position...... GOD? You see the problem, the church is not able to fulfil that. I must confess, I am only half satisfied with writing lessons, I am only half satisfied with doing missions. in fact maybe less than that. I mean.. I believe we should.. but all these things fall under worship. I believe in being concerned about lives and the people. Yet what sort of position is that? Maybe i shouldn't take up the post or sign up the contract... Maybe I should move on... of course by doing that.. the chances of being misunderstood is far greater... but whats the difference since I am already.

God, why did I have to go through this? All I wanted was to serve you... All I believed was to commit my life into your hands.... All I wanted was to see true worship being restored to the church! Yet I can't do that here because of the way things are at. In PNP, in small groups, in the youth, in missions, in the pastoring..... Where is the consistency in being a Christian?

Can I say these things out? Can I? Would anyone want to hear? Now..... once again the problem is that I am young... God can't you make it clear?

Perhaps.. another reason is.... the church has been creating posistions.. and the more posistions we have, the more we are able to play church... Now we have worship pastor, next WSCS pastor? all the different specialist departments? Thats not church... So thats why they need to find a new position for me....

thats why I want to go over to be a missionary... to get away from all of this, Thats why I am in children because they are easier to teach... But now what? ANSWERS... I need ANSWERS.... solid answers.... Shucks, by saying that I am making myself inconsistent.. because I still believe in trusting God inspite of circumstances...