More disappointments

Some how... its been a very long ride.. one with too many bumps. It's been 6 years since I enrolled in this game called Christianity and church, and really...its no different from any other game played out there. Manipulation, secrecy, lack of communication, red tape, high handedness, excuses, politics, what's the difference? I'm really disappointed.. really. Where should I really go? Mebbe this post would get me out. Because I don't really know how to play this game? I'm 29 this year.. sort of feel that these pass 6 years were wasted. Why make it so hard for missionaries? Its not the difficulty the missionary has to face on the field, but its the difficulty in getting through to the organization, much effort and energy is wasted. Perhaps that is why people don't want to join. I mean.. perhaps they were right in the first place, I shouldn't have stepped in.

In one sense, they view missionaries as special people, yet treated like.. (fill in the blanks) sharing the pride that these missionaries represent the church, do all the things and say that the church is doing all these things there, yet next, the missionaries have to struggle with having to even prove themselves. I mean if you who don't want to be a missionary, and haven't been one. WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU KNOW THE THING ABOUT CALLING? OR EVEN PLACING HIDDEN SECRET CRITERIAS? I don't see missionaries doing all that? I don't see them being so cynical and hiding, in fact the reason why people even want to step in to me a missionary is because of encouragement. THE CALL IS OVERATED? the call is usually due to high levels of narcissism, for those who fight it through. Mebbe I should fight to kill the church, then mebbe I would be blinded like Paul and some miracle happen. How did the apostles even become apostles, through some high handed organization, or through seeing the life of Christ. (Its ironic that we should be thought the kingdom but yet we function more as an organization or secret society, like free masonary in its upper echelons, perhaps this is quite true as the ones in the top are the rich and powerful.. money apparantly can buy many things... even religion.) Is the organization to serve the people? I was told that the organization doesn't cater to individuals. yet the funny thing is a certain individual is the one making the decisions. Don't get me wrong before someone says I am not pro-authority and this "rebellious" spirit is from Satan and start needed to dewify me or streamingly cleanse me.

I am disappointed I must say... but perhaps they were right. there is no call, yet I don't see specifics in the calling, I see a strong tug in the heart that is still beating....yet slowly hardening.