Schools and my past

I spent the day at 2 schools... My old and my new. Its really good to be back at NUS.... the coolness of the night and morning and the quietness. I stayed till they all left...... for home. Strange that it seems but everywhere else but home seems more comfortable. Yah.. so maybe there is aircon and a bed, but peace? there is no substitute. I got my work done quite a bit today.. reading up on the Psalms and all..

I thought about stuff... perhaps its the idea of grace that intrigues me again. There simply is not grace in my home.. the critical nature abounds... and this is just evident in me. The pride which will never be broken down. I'm hushed... I'm stuck.... sigh. Would it be my fault again? I don't seem to understand. She always complains that she can't and won't dare say things to my brother because he will not take it.. So I get most of the critical side. She complains about the church and all but dare not face them to tell them. SO when its my turn to get cheesed off... she ignores me. In front of others she is fine but infront of me.. that silence just kills me.. and this is perhaps what I do best. I give a cold shoulder. Its so scary.... its so scary.

Why? I'm behaving just like her... only difference is I'm going to take my stand... just like her.

Sigh.. I can't give grace and my heart is hardening.... badly.. I want to leave...

You know its not about the gifts that are important. I don't care if there is no breakfast, I don't care if there is no toys, I don't care if you don't give me gifts. Thats not me. I want grace... I want communication. Can you believe till this day.. I've never spoken much about anything to her. Only to listen to her complain about stuff. Yes that may be your love language... but love is just one language.... I get blamed for not accepting her love language. I am ungrateful....

I guess I am... let me be then. I give up. I staying put for another day.